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The Hamlins

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[15 May 2004|01:44pm]
Melvis

Hey there, little ladies. You ready to rock and roll? Awuhuh!!! Now, normally when a boy like me and a girl like you meet, I'd just look at you and touch your hand... but this world has become an underworld, baby. Lisa Marie's got a lock on my thing called love. The other day she had a little thing called Ginsu. Had me shakin' in my boots.
2 comments|post comment

[07 May 2004|12:20pm]
Granny Hamlin

Ah swar! Ah've been usin' Metamucil fo' three weeks now an' it durn't he'p me nary a bit! A've even drunk prune juice an' ett bran muffins! Ah needs t'emppy mah bowels! It's like th' Hoosier Dam! Fry mah hide! Come on, varmints! Ah knows someone knows a secret o' two about movements!
2 comments|post comment

[27 Apr 2004|12:15am]
[ mood | mad as a weasel in a blender ]

Amy May Hamlin

Wal, Ah knows we've been gone a long time, an' Ah bet yo' folks haf missed us, but Granny's been in pore health on account o' her gall bladder surgery an' she jest about up an' died on us. We had t'go t' Caleefornya t'git her t'other gall bladder operashun so she'dn't die. She's fine now, an' ev'rythin' will be peachy keen! Fry mah hide! Howevah, Ah's rightly pissed as a weasel in a blender, as y'all'd reckon a folk like me sh'd be when she hears about noos like whut Ah's 'bout t'tell yo' varmits! Ah was a-lookin' on this hyar website about minin' when Ah sar this hyar article. Read this hyar part of it! Fry mah hide!

"One of the big problems with mining in Maine was the distance from Maine to a smelter. The state had no ready source of coal, and bringing it long distances from Pennsylvania was expensive. Sending ore to a smelter far away was costly.
Mines in Maine tended to be controlled by just a few families, and if there was a disaster at one place, other mines would close because they all drew from the same limited pool of money. Two families, the Hamlins and the Darlings, were involved in probably 90% of the mines in this part of the state, according to Jenkins."

So, darn-tootin' Ah was rightly upset thet we might be related t'them! Fry mah hide! Yankees! Jedt almighty! Fry mah hide! Lo'd in Hevvin persarve us!

Dawgoneed eff'n he warn't on someone else's side! Ah looked it up on one of them juneology websites, an' w'ldn't yo' dadburn believe it? We is related t'them Yankees! Ah c'd piss in a jar of mah own back hair, Ah's so blamed upset right now! Ah jest wanted t'let y'all knows thet we'uns is back, so y'all kin let all y'all friends know!

That dadblamed Jenkins! I'll git thet sun of a S.U.B.!

6 comments|post comment

Well! [19 Jan 2004|10:38pm]
[ mood | confused ]

'Paw' Rayburn Jones

Wal, hell t'all git out ah ain't posted in this hyar journal in fo'evah, so ah's gonna post right hyar like a dog in a trailer park! We'un's been so dang dadburned busy this hyar past week whut wif Stephie Lou fallin' down th' well an' then thet dangburned po-lice came up an' told us she was stuck cuz her ass looks like Caeser's Palace. We called up th' firemen an' they came up hyar an' they squirted her ass wif some water an' Amy May said she's in a dangblasted well an' axed whuffo' they's a-shootin' water at her ass an' they didn't knows them dang blasted Mexicans they take a trip on over water t'git hyar an' they reckon they kin git someone outta well wif it! Dang ole Geerard th' possum'd knows better than thet shit! Wal, mah ass is as red as a Geo'gia plum on account o' Ah's been spankin' it wif a pancake all day! Thet dang ole pancake is about three years old, it sho'ly is, whut wif th' syphilis an' all! Wal, dang, mah arms fell off agin, so ah's gonna haf'a git!

3 comments|post comment

[05 Jan 2004|09:55pm]
[ mood | 'bout to piss mahse'f ]

Amy May Hamlin

Wal, whee doggie! We gots us in a few boxes of wine in th' mail today! Fry mah hide! Thet is mah favo'ite alchyhol evah! It is so elegant t'git wine in th' mail! Don'tchee think?

Ah sar some dang fool out on th' paved road screamin' into a piller t'other day! Ah axed him whut he was a-doin' an' he scooted off wif a kitchen knife an' ah didn't see him nary mo'e! ah guess he was goin' t'go play Hide an' Go Kill Hisse'f!

Ennyway, ah's about t'piss mah britches so ah's a-gonna git off this hyar har intrynet an' see yo' varmints later! Fry mah hide!

2 comments|post comment

[01 Jan 2004|12:09am]
Stephie Lou Hamlin

Wal, whee doggy on a sweet old biscuit stick! We has danggone made it through th' Noo Year! Did y'all see Jay Leno? Ah reckon it was thet! They used Amah May's pitcher on thar! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide! Carrot Top was on an' he used Amah May's pitcher on a doremat! Ah doesn't knows whar he got it, but dangnabbit, we is gonna git some money fo' thet shit! Y'all sh'd haf see it! We was so plum mad, ah didn't knows whut t'do! Wal, a lot of thin's haf come an' gone... we've had a fairly fine year... last year was better, we gots t'say. Thet dagnamed Bush doesn't knows whut th' hell he is doin'... Clinton was a better president even eff'n he was a fiddlin' wif his zipper all th' live long day! Wal, ah guess ah gots t'git off this hyar har thin' an' start he'pin' clean up af'er this hyar har party we's had! Y'all haf a safe Noo Years an' doesn't blow up a fireycraker in yo'e's eye!
4 comments|post comment

[29 Dec 2003|02:02pm]
[ mood | upset as a jaybird ]

Granny Hamlin

*spits tobacco in a spittoon*

Wal, looky hyar! Eff'n it ain't all y'all dangblasted homely chillun! Fry mah hide! Ah oughtta kick yer asses fum hyar t'th' drug sto'e, but ah ain't got no legs on account o' ah got them shot off in 'Nam! Ah's kindly a li'l sick right now, coughin' up mah lungs an' whut ah picked them thar lungs up an' mixed them in wif some Jim Beam an' hurney eff'n they warn't th' bess dang blasted six pack ah ain't nary had on a Monday mo'nin' when th' sun was dancin' in th' sky like a wagon on th' hill! Now, a-talkin' 'bout whut yo' folks doin'... yo' ain't commentin' nary on this hyar har journal, as enny fool kin plainly see! Whut in tarnation's thet about? Y'all doesn't like t'read this? Y'all doesn't like our hyar fambly? Wal, yo' kin jest suck on mah stumps, yo' old ungrateful hooneygaggins!

9 comments|post comment

[21 Dec 2003|04:56pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Darlene Smothers-Hamlin

Wail, Ah guess it's about time thet Ah posted in this here jernal! I has been so damn busy with mah prosteetushun thet Ah ain't had no dadblasted time to update this here jernal. Wail, you can call me a bucket o' hog jowls, but Ah is postin' now, so you can just kiss my big white hairy patootie!

The other day Ah was standin' up on the Northeast corner of Fourth an' Main where th' Commonwealth Bank is... when this ugly ol' heifer came up to me an' calt me a harlot! Ah ain't known what thet was, but Ah din't like her tone of voice none! Ah tol' her she could shove it whurr th' sun don't shine, an' she gat up all over me an' tried t'kill me, she did!

Wail, Ah dragged her sarry lookin' ass down to th' Dinsmore & Shohl's LLP down on Fifth street an' kicked her ass to th' curb. Wail, Ah went inside an' told them thet she came up an' hit me in the head with her dangblasted pocketbook! They got th' PO-lice up thurr an' some witnursses an' Ah'm fixin' t'sue th' bitch.

3 comments|post comment

[20 Dec 2003|12:20pm]
[ mood | excited ]

Amy May Hamlin

Wal, we went t'put up thet thar Christmas tree today an' we got all th' purdy pinecones an' right purdy popco'n strin' an' even hung a few daid rats on it t'make it look elliegint. Ennywhoo, it rain so rightly thet thar was a hole in our roof whut kepp drippin' down on Bessie on account o' she was sittin in thet co'ner, an' finally, she gits so wet she starts a-screamin' an' a-hollerin' an' then, by gum, she flies out fum behind th' dresser an' makes straight-a-way fo' th' Christmas tree!

Wal, th' houn'dog is sittin' in front of th' tree an' hyar comes thet chicken gwine as fast as her li'l scratchin' claws kin carry her. Whee doggie, she nails into thet tree like a beet farmer in a rainsto'm! Fry mah hide! Wal, I'll be doggoned eff'n thet thar tree didn't fall on over when she smacked it right wif her li'l chicken haid. It fell straight down onto th' houn'dog an' dang blasted eff'n it didn't crush his li'l houn'doggie bones! It's okay, though, we ain't a-frettin' none on account o' we were tired of it pissin' on C.R.'s mullet an' hoompin' Granny's cooter. So, how is y'all doin' this hyar holiday season? We'un's be hankerin' t'know.

11 comments|post comment

[13 Dec 2003|08:29pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Satan

So, my doctor told me I need to lay off the mallomars. That's fine because they kept melting in my damn hands. Anyway, he suggested I go on the Atkins diet, but sad thing is that as Satan, I cannot feast upon the flesh of the living. I may only eat souls and various food products. Meaning, if it has a soul, I cannot eat the animal unless it is only the soul. Get what I'm talking about? Anyway, I've gotten so grossly overweight that it has affected my health and the doctor wants me to go on a meat only diet. How the hell am I going to eat meat? Human souls is the closest I can do because all the animals are in heaven. In other news, I haven't seen Elliot Smith yet. I really wanted to meet him since he died. Great voice, that guy. Maybe he went to heaven. He's not on my list... but then again, I don't have a fucking secretary so it's hard for me to keep up with everyone. Someone please be my secretary. I pay good money.

13 comments|post comment

Out Of Character Post [10 Dec 2003|02:19pm]
I have made quite a few changes. I've added memories. Now you can go to the info and click on memories to find all of your favorite character's posts... even the most recent post!

Soon, there will be a sister journal to the_hamlins It will have vikings, Swedes, Chinese people, and even a pig! More on this news when it happens. Also, the_hamlins paid account is running out! However, I sent the money order off today, so it should renew before the time runs out.

If you have any suggestions on new posts, or even storylines, please feel free to provide them. Remember, if you promote the_hamlins in your journal, you can even create your own post!

If you have not read the disclaimer by now, please do. It will be added to the layout on the right on the bottom, when I figure out how to do that.

I would also like for you to check out littleoldlady and also im_a_fork, two new creations. jerryseinfeld, also, if you're into that sort of humor.

What else? There was something else.

Hmm. I saw an amusing journal the other day. diapertrash. It's kind of ... adult comedy, I guess. Not really dirty or anything, but it's just not for kids.

Also, I would like to promote these communities:

superb_fakes for anyone who owns a fake journal, and blacktastic for anyone who feels like they're ghetto. (This is not a rating community. Anyone can join.)

OH! I remember what was so important... and really sad.
Any of you who knew _sadistikal or butchyjene are shit out of luck. They have deleted their journals with no forwarding addresses. I'm guessing they either got threatened or just decided it was time for them to step down from the spotlight. Either way, we in LiveJournal land, especially fake journalists, will miss them dearly. They were truly great journals.

That is all. Thank you for reading the_hamlins. I will have a real update or two ready tomorrow, after everyone has read this one.
7 comments|post comment

[06 Dec 2003|11:01pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Melvis

Hey, mama! I want to do a phone post, too, but the phone is dead. Oh, mama, I'll do a mean phone post.

It's one for the money!
Two for the show!
Three to get ready, now go, cat, go!
Don't you step on my blue suede shoes!

You know if you rearrange Elvis, you get Lives? So Elvis Lives. Uh-hua-ho! Thank ya. Thank ya vury much.

I'm gonna go eat me a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

6 comments|post comment

Phone Post [04 Dec 2003|09:29pm]
Amy May Hamlin

Ah jest got a call fum an ado'in' fan! Maw answered th' phone an' then ah talked t'th' parson fo' a spell an' went t'git mah geetar t'sang them a song. Acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells, y'all kin download th' ogg file t'lissen t'it!

Click hyar t'lissen.

Transcription and More InformationCollapse )
6 comments|post comment

Out Of Character Post [03 Dec 2003|08:35pm]
[ mood | thrilled ]

The Hamlins has reached 50 friends!

At approximately 18:10, wetplants was the 50th person to add the_hamlins to their friends list. They will receive a prize for this. These will be the prizes:

50 friends - icon or two blinkies of your choice
75 friends - icon or two blinkies of your choice
100 friends - Create your own entry! Choose what character says what!
150 friends - CYOE and icon of your choice
200 friends - CYOE, icon and background of your choice
250 friends - LiveJournal coupon for 2 months paid account!
300 friends - CYOE, TWO icons and background of your choice
350 friends - CYOE x2
400 friends - CYOE x4
450 friends - CYOE x6
500 friends - Hamlins Care Package. Lots of neat redneck things!
1000 friends - Hamlins Care Package. CYOE x10, 5 icons, background, two months paid account!!!!! WOW!

Note: "New Journals" will not qualify. Journals with no entries or ones that seem to be created especially for the purpose of receiving prizes will be null and void. Care package only available to United States citizens. This is not an advertisement. It is simply incentive for readers who already get joy out of the_hamlins. Thank you for reading, and please continue to do so.

The Create Your Own Entry post is located here.

Also, thanks a million to angiewarhol for promoting us in her journal! Each person who promotes us gets to create their own entry, but we have to see that at LEAST 5 people friended us who are also on your friend of list. Also, you might want to comment on an Out Of Character Post such as this one and let us know.

21 comments|post comment

[02 Dec 2003|03:29pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Stephie Lou Hamlin

Ah w'd like t'apologize fo' th' last post. Miss Judy got a li'l outta han' an' we had t'use th' tranquilizer gun on her. Thank God we had one aroun' in case enny elephants excaped fum th' zoo an' came hyar t'attack our trailer. Yo' know, thet happened once in Nebraxa so yo' gots t'be careful these days. ah remember this hyar one time thet ah was walkin' down th' street an' this hyar man comes up behind me an' he tapped me on th' sh'der so ah belted him one an' dragged his ass out in th' street an' he got runned on over by a dairy truck. Shet mah mouth! Now, it turned out he was jest tryin' t'gimme mah han'bag, but yo' kin't nevah be too careful, yo' know? Better safe than so'ry, thass whut ah says.

8 comments|post comment

[02 Dec 2003|01:03am]
[ mood | powerful ]

Demonic Miss Judy

I HAVE TAKEN CONTROL OF the_hamlins!!! IT IS ALL MINE NOW!!! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME. THIS IS THE SIGN OF THE APOCOLYPSE.

BLOOOOOOOD ON MY HANDS!

DEATH!!!

8 comments|post comment

[28 Nov 2003|12:17pm]
[ mood | plum tuckered out ]

Amy May Hamlin

Wal, yessuhterday's Thanksgivin' feast didn't went it as planned, cuss it all t' tarnation. We had fambly drive in fum all on over th' United States. Merle Jones fum Salt Lake City, Utah, Sissy May Jones fum Nebraxa City, Nebraxa, Henrietta Lynn an' Bobby Hamlin fum Pensacola, Flo'ida, an' Satan's brother Carl fum Devil's Fo'k, South Carolina. We was speckin' Lou Joe Blow, our third cousin twice removed fum Wanker’s Co'ner, Oregon, but he didn't nary show. We was also speckin' Delta an' her husbin Roy Jones an' their chillun Ben, Jodie, an' "Stinker" fum Podunk, Massachusetts, but their car flat busted down on th' way t'th' gas stashun.

Dinner was great... all th' fixin's. Co'n pone, grits, cranberry saooce, govment cheese, turkey, co'nbread, venison, possum, turnip greens, baked beans, succotash, sweet patooties an' sweet patootie pie, boiled cabbage, ham, barbecued possum, ribs, rabbit, an' co'nbread dressin'. An' thet ain't all, but ah's tired of talkin' about grub on account o' it's makin' me dang near hungry.

Granny choked on a wishbone an' cousin Merle said thet was arrony an' we didn't unnerstan' thet, but he said it was whut his wish was, so Paw beat him up wif a shank bone an' he got blood all on over th' boiled cabbage so we had t'throw it out. One of th' houn'dogs got loose an' hoomped up on li'l Jodie, an' Paw said he sar Big Foot takin' a leak in th' sweet tea, but yo' knows how his mind is.

Ah c'dn't even git near th' computer on account o' of all th' fambly hyar so ah decided t'jest update this hyar af'ernoon about it befo'e ah go down t'th' Quickie Mart t'git me some buttermilk so's ah can ett th' ress of th' co'nbread. Y'all come back now, ya hear?

3 comments|post comment

[24 Nov 2003|01:04pm]
[ mood | prepared ]

Granny Hamlin

Ah ain't had a problem wif th' houn'dog lately. He hain't tried t'lick mah cooter, but ah's sho'nuff eff'n he does, ah's ready... ah got me an emppy bottle of Jim Beam next t'mah wheelchair ah's gonna use t'smack him th' next time he jemps up on me.

8 comments|post comment

[23 Nov 2003|09:20pm]
[ mood | better 'n snuff ]

'Paw' Rayburn Jones

O'course, ah's sho'nuff all yo' remember thet one time when ah was drug outta bed at three in th' mo'nin' by this hyar cockyroach wif an attitude an' ah said, "Lissen, yo' old heifer, yo' hyar cockyroach ain't gonna make me git up at no three in th' mo'nin' an' ah's gonna beat yo' upside th' haid wif a four by four an' drag yer ass behind mah big rig all th' way t'San Antone" an' she said she weren't no cockyroach, thet she were a lobster, an' ah says thet she was t'small t'be a lobster, an' she says ah was bein' disacriminato'y, an' ah says thet she ain't no lobster an' eff'n'n she was, I'd git mah galy Amy May t'cook her up on th' back grill, ah reckon. Wal, she plum hit me wif a pair of mah old trousers an' ah got up outta th' bed an' ah says, "Lookie hyar, bitch, I've about had it witcher red li'l ass all th' way t'San Antone! Ah's gonna take this hyar nine mill-o-meter an' plug yo' in between th' legs so yo' kin't make no mo'e cockyroaches like yo'se'f." An' then she runs off into th' sunset an' ah ain't see th' houn' since.

3 comments|post comment

[22 Nov 2003|02:01pm]
[ mood | Is this yor car? ]

Aunt Gertrude

Ah was out in th' yard an' ah tripped on over this hyar piece of metal an' ah reckon it was fum one of th' cars out in th' yard, but ah's not sho'nuff which one on account o' thar's a few out thar. Funny thin', though, ah was mowin' th' yard an' ah ran into sumpin an' ah foun' a 1969 Fo'd Pinto. Don't knows whut colo' it is on account o' it's all rested off. Th' gas pedal is shaped like a bare foot an' thar is only three wheels. None of us knows whose car it is, so mah guess is thet someone lef' it hyar. Is it enny of y'alls?

6 comments|post comment

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